I Hate Those Digi-Destined (Myotismon's POV)
by Cuno
Summary: DD, you inspired me! Credit goes to DeDreamer for her fic that gave me this idea. I wanted to bash Tai and Sora, and DeDreamer gave me the idea to use Myotismon to do it. Be afraid, be very afraid. Basically, I bash the Digi-Destined and their Digimon


A/N: I've decided that I have to bash Sora and Tai. It HAS to be done! I have warned you. The others need to be bashed too, but not as much. If you wouldn't like to see Sora and Tai bashed, then stop NOW! If you do, read on.  
  
  
Do I ever hate the Digi-Destined. Especially that big-haired kid and his girlfriend. Oops, my bad. You weren't supposed to know that yet. Ah, what the heck. As I was saying, I HATE those two kids. Oh, they could be helpful, such as when they got rid of that loud-mouthed monkey. I mean, there's only so many times you can hear an Elvis impersonator and not want to go SHADDUP! Who did he think he was anyway? 'Uh-huh, I'm the King.' Uh-huh, BITE ME! But, I already mentioned that stupid chimp in my last interview. With some chick called DeDreamer.  
  
To get back on topic. What was that big-haired kid's name? Tai? Yeah, well, a blind man could see that kid's hair. I'm surprised he didn't get stuck in doorways because of it. If his brain was as big as his hair, then we'd have some problems. But his brain's not; it's actually about the size of a peanut. Or maybe that's too generous. That kid could be deadly; all he would have to do is shake his head and a few building would topple!   
  
And his goggles! I thought they would pop off his head because of all that hair, but they didn't. He probably glued them to his head. And what's with the 'We're the Digi-Destined' stuff? Ever notice how he's the only one who says that. Or how about, 'I'm the leader, I'll take care of you.' Gag me!   
  
And his little sister was my bane. That stupid DemiDevimon couldn't do a thing. Next time I see him, I'll teach him what soccer is.  
  
Oh, and THEN there's Sora. Miss I-can't-love-because-my-parents-don't-love-me. Do you know how many times I felt like saying, Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles? What a wimp. 'No, Biyomon!' I'd turn that bird into drumsticks.   
  
And what's with the hat? Maybe it keeps HER hair down. Bet she gets major hat-head. Then again, she never takes it off, so it's probably stapled to her head. And her whiny little voice. Most people thought Mimi was bad; let me tell you, Sora's was WORSE! All you could hear was 'Biyomon! Biyomon!'. That gets just that little bit repetitive after a while. I can still hear her voice in my head, and limbo's supposed to be PEACEFUL!   
  
And you can't tell me you haven't noticed the way she looks at Tai. If I had any emotions, I might think it's cute. But I don't! In fact, it just makes me want to puke. Bring me a bowl, I'm gonna blow! Unfortunately for poor little Sora, it seems Tai has his eye on Matt. Can't say I blame him, no one would want Sora.  
  
Tai, the big courageous leader. Who's Digimon gets his butt whupped in practically every fight! 'Agumon, are you okay?' And then the stupid dinosaur wannabe says of course he's ok, he'll just go out and get whupped again! I'm thinking dino steaks should be on the menu.   
  
Along with ear of Patamon, Palmon vegetable soup, Biyomon drumsticks, Gabumon chops, Gomamon fish sticks, and Tentomon bug juice. I'd save Gatomon for dessert: Chocolate cat cookies.  
  
Back to the subject I love to hate, Tai's hair. I wonder how much gel that kid uses. A bottle? Two, three bottles? He probably spends three hours in the morning just getting it to stand up straight. And I thought girls spent a lot of time looking in the mirror. Ugh, and wasn't it just wonderful to see Tai in his underwear? It's like, please! Sora may want to see that, but I sure don't! Not that he has anything to hide.   
  
Too bad Tai didn't just STAY in the real world. Would have saved him a lot, while I killed his dweeb team. And his stupid little sister... I hate that kid. Who is she fooling with that sweet attitude? Not me! And that ball of fluff, Gatomon. Who digivolves into an overgrown turkey. May fleas eat all her fur.   
  
So I got to run around the real world, looking for some chick who's so sweet she's liable to give me diabetes. All I wanted to do was rule the Digital World. Is that so much to ask? But, noooo, big-haired kid has to go poking his nose (and his hair) into my business! Along with Sora and the rest of the doof troop.   
  
I still can't get over that helmet! I want to just take the strings and swing her around by them. Then she could REALLY fly with Biyomon. Here, bird-brain, catch! Oops, I guess you should have gone through that incredibly annoying digivolving phase first. Anyone up for a birdie pancake?  
  
I feel for the kids who have to watch them digivolve day after day. Couldn't they make it just that little bit different each time? And you wonder why we have so many brain-dead children out there. Watching them all digivolve is so boring you just want to go to sleep in your shoes. "Are you done yet?" "Hold on, Tentomon and Gabumon still have to digivolve" Better than a sleeping pill.  
  
If I had a choice-which I don't because of the prejudiced writers who believe that kids WANT to see the bad guy beaten-I would re-write the whole show. You know, Myotismon rules, Digi-Destined drool. Literally. The Digi-Destined would be sitting here in limbo doing annoying interviews for pain-in-the-butt authors instead of me.  
  
Don't even get me started on the other Digi-Destined. Izzy's little stint where he lost his knowledge; now THAT was funny! Just another example of a brain-dead kid. And Matt's hair. He could poke someone's eye out with it! And then there's Mimi. I don't think I've ever seen someone cry that much; not even big-haired kid's brat sister or that little munchkin with the other overgrown turkey. And WHINE! She was sick of this, she was sick of that, she was hungry, she was tired, blah blah blah. I should have dropped a rock on her; maybe it would actually have shut her up. Of course, then there's Joe. Mr. I-don't-think-I-can-do-this-because-I'm-just-a-big-wimp. What was his crest again? Cowardice? Oh, and then he acts all brave and says he'll go and find Matt. Notice that he said that ONLY when Mimi was with him?   
  
Romance in cartoons is way over-cliched, but hey! If that's what gives people their jollies... You'll never catch ME in some dumb relationship with a leather-clad bimbo. Like Lady Devimon or whatever her name was.   
  
Sometimes I think the show goes a little bit mature for little kids. Take Angewomon's outfit. I wonder who painted it on her? If she showed anything more, the show would have to be rated 18+! And, of course, can't forget what I had to do. FIRST, I had to expose myself, and then I get sued for indecent exposure! Is there any justice in the world? Wait, not unless we destroy all lawyers. To quote Sinbad in 'Shazam!', may a thousand fleas feast on their nether regions. If you haven't seen that movie, sucks to be you. Or maybe not. It was a stupid movie anyway.  
  
And I haven't even BEGUN on the Digimon themselves. What, thought I was done? No way, Jose! You wanted this, now you're going to sit through this until I've had my say. And after being cooped up in limbo for this long, I have a LOT to say. And if you believe I'll soon run out of steam, then you're just as stupid as the rest of the human race. Of course, I've only met the Digi-Destined. And I wouldn't call them good examples of mankind. Or womankind, depending on who you talk to. Die, rotten feminist Digimon!  
  
So, the Digimon. I'm gonna have fun with this one. Let's start with everyone's favorite, that flea-bitten fur-ball known as Gatomon. What a disgrace to her kind. "This litter box ain't big enough for the both of us"? PLEASE! I could think up better lines in my sleep. And what's with all the cat references? We can SEE she's a cat! I mean, she has big ears, claws, and teeth. She also has the snotty attitude of a cat. Must she keep reminding us?  
  
Then there's Biyomon. She should have been turned into Thanksgiving dinner a long time ago. Rumor in the Digi-grapevine is that her parents shoved her out of the nest with a sign that said "Free!". No one took her, so the Idiots That Be decided to give her to some poor sap from the real world. However, she was given to Sora, so I guess that's okay. Her voice! My ears are jarred every time she squawks! Again, she fits Sora then.  
  
Can't forget wannabe Agumon. A procompsognathus could beat him! For those idiots out there, a compy-as they're commonly called-is a foot-tall little lizard that likes to eat babies. It has a mild narcotic in it's bite too, but it only attacks crippled animals. Well, Agumon's crippled all right. Crippled in the brain! There have been myriad of times I've wanted to tell him to go play in the blender. What a worry-wart. If Tai wants to go get his spiky butt killed, let him go! Geez! But, noooo! Agumon has to be all brave and stop Tai. I should have stepped on him when I had the chance.  
  
Not much to say about Tentomon. Anyone got a fly-swatter? How about some Raid? He should be turned into bug-juice. Yummy, bug legs! Does anyone else notice that he has an incredibly nasal voice? I've always wanted to give him a Kleenex and tell him to hork it in there.   
  
Oh, and the purple-polka-dotted seal, Gomamon. Wise-cracking little... Serve him up as sushi. And what kind of attack is Flying Fishes? What are they going to do, stare at me with their mouths open until I go completely insane? Sorry, been there, done that, bought the postcard AND sent it! And that mohawk! Style Sora's like it and they'd be a matched pair. I wonder how many times Joe's been hit in the head with that hair? Looks like seaweed having a bad hair day.  
  
And then there's Patamon. If his ears got any bigger, he could be classed as a UFO: Unimaginative Flying Object. Ever seen how big his mouth gets when he does his little Boom Bubble attack? You could ride a horse in there! I hate his voice. Or is he really a SHE? You wouldn't know the truth if all you heard was him talking. "Do my ears make my butt look too big?" I'm sure the kids found that quite amusing, but as I've pointed out, they're brain-dead. What would you expect after watching that freak turn into an "angel"? Looks more like a robber. "Stick 'em up, or I riddle you full of arrows." In fact, thought I saw him on America's Most Wanted.   
  
And last but not least, Gabumon. Dog-face, quite literally. How come the writers didn't let little kids see HIM when he took his fur off? Oh, of course, I'm just the bad-guy! Kids see worse on television every day. And he has NO sense of humor. I don't remember the last time he laughed. If he ever has. What's with the horn? Was he supposed to be a hairy unicorn or something? And his next form is crossed with a horse-type too. Coincidence? I think not! Put a saddle on him and you could rent him out for trail-rides!  
  
I've ranted and raved about everything from Tai's hair to the Digimon, and back again. I hate that kid's hair! Think it's over yet? Well, you're wrong! It's NEVER over! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!! You shall never get rid of me! Oh, wait, the white-coats are coming back. My time's up, but I shall be back! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!  
  
  
  
2nd A/N: Good Lord... Be afraid, be very afraid. I had writer's block on my author series, so I started thinking about other fics I've read and I remembered DeDreamer's. I thought it was funny, I wanted to bash Tai and Sora especially, and so I did a kind of follow-up to DeDreamer's fic. I wasn't copying, just doing a sequel of sorts. Hope ya don't mind, DD. Buh-bai!  



End file.
